Thanks, Nathaniel
by Sarah1281
Summary: Unexpectedly reunited in the Deep Roads together after years apart, Nathaniel and Anders discuss how much their lives have changed since Amaranthine and why what happened with Justice is at least a little bit Nathaniel's fault.


Thanks, Nathaniel

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.

Hawke was up ahead of them talking animatedly with the dwarf and the Rivaini woman when Anders felt into step beside him.

"So, it's been awhile, Nathaniel," he said conversationally.

"So it has," Nathaniel agreed. He and Anders had already greeted each other back when they had found each other a little over an hour ago but presumably Anders had a point. Or maybe Anders was just trying to waste time and annoy him, a pastime that the blonde had been quite fond of in the past even if…well, even if things were a little different nowadays.

"How have you been? Still with the Wardens?" Anders asked casually.

"I am," Nathaniel confirmed, wondering where this was leading to. Anders couldn't possibly be _nostalgic_ about his time with the Wardens, could he? Sure, at the start things went fine but after Nathaniel had been summoned elsewhere things had sort of fallen apart for the apostate. "If I'd been worried by Angélique's insistence that nothing ever happened after the post-Blight clean-up, I'm happy to report that she was wrong. Big surprise, I know. You understand if I can't talk about it, though, considering that-"

"I'm no longer a Warden?" Anders asked almost bitterly. "I figured as much."

"So how have you been?" Nathaniel asked politely before wincing internally. That was probably not the best thing to ask him.

"Oh me? Just fine. Why, since you left I was forced to get rid of poor Ser Pounce-a-lot, stalked by a templar for months on end, and then forced to flee the order and come to the single worst place for a mage to be in all of Thedas," Anders said in a faux-cheery voice.

"Strictly speaking, you didn't _have_ to come to Kirkwall even if Ferelden might not have been the best place for you," Nathaniel pointed out.

"Yes, I did," Anders disagreed. "Not only does Kirkwall not have any Grey Wardens-"

"You really think you're in more danger from the Wardens than you are from the templars?" Nathaniel couldn't believe it. "You must've been in the Wardens long enough to know that the different branches never talk and even if the different templar orders didn't either – which I have to admit, I'm not sure on – then you're still more likely to be discovered to be a mage than a Warden."

"Wardens are better at sensing other Wardens than templars are at sensing mages," Anders argued.

"And not many people know about what happened and not many more even know that you went rogue," Nathaniel replied. "But I interrupted you."

Anders nodded. "Right. Not only is the lack of any Grey Wardens a definite plus but since I was no longer working to rid the world of the great injustice that was darkspawn, I needed to find some new injustice to fight against and the most obvious and important one was the plight of the mages."

"The plight of the mages, huh?" Nathaniel repeated. "I don't remember you being nearly as gung-ho about that before."

"Yes, well things were different then," Anders said quietly. "_I_ was different then. Looking back, I can't believe how bloody _selfish_ I was then. All I cared about was my own welfare and freedom and there were so many others who didn't have my talent or resources and who would never be able to escape the Chantry's hold on their own. It wasn't an easy decision by any means but I don't see how I could have made any other one."

"You seem to be leaving something out, Anders," Nathaniel told him pointedly.

Anders raised an eyebrow, a flash of who he was back in Amaranthine. "Oh? And what is that?"

"You didn't say anything about _why_ you were forced to flee the order," Nathaniel answered.

"Things were getting intolerable with the others," Anders declared passionately. "You know that I've never done well with people forcing things on me."

Nathaniel nodded. "I do remember something about you escaping from the Circle a good half a dozen times, yes."

"Actually, I had escaped seven by the time that I was conscripted into the Wardens," Anders said with just a hint of pride in his voice. "That's another thing I was forced into."

"You certainly didn't seem to mind in when we were serving together," Nathaniel said slowly, honestly curious if the other man had been putting on an act all that time. The look on his face when Rylock had been killed…no, he _couldn't_ have been faking it. Not all of it.

"It was different back then," Anders said wistfully. "I really thought…well, it doesn't matter. You left and Angélique left and things changed. They said that being a Grey Warden meant no more templar oversight but even if it wasn't official, they inducted Rolan-the-templar – _Rylock's own brother_ – and he went literally everywhere with me. What else was I supposed to think? It was being trapped all over again and Rolan was just waiting for me to slip up."

"You didn't say anything about why you were forced to flee the order," Nathaniel said again. "And Anders, what I heard…it's pretty bad."

"What did you hear?" Anders asked quietly.

"I heard that you became an abomination. I heard that you _ate_ part of Rolan. I didn't know what to think. Tell me it isn't true," Nathaniel said, hating the faint note of pleading in his own voice.

"I could," Anders said almost conversationally. "But I think we both know that that would be a lie and I'd rather not add that to the long list of things I should have done differently. To be fair, though, that spot of cannibalism was completely accidental."

"H-how can you _accidentally_ eat somebody?" Nathaniel demanded. "It wasn't like someone killed him, cut him up, and served him to you for dinner. He was alive and then you killed him and left."

"I…wasn't quite in control," Anders admitted.

"Because you became an abomination," Nathaniel concluded.

"Because I made a deal with a spirit, yes," Anders agreed. "It was so new! I was an idiot to make it so near to that bastard Rolan but since he went everywhere I did, I could hardly have done it when he _wasn't_ around. He walked in on me during the merge and declared that I was an abomination. He was going to kill me. He almost sounded…satisfied. He'd been waiting for it. I wasn't expecting the surge of rage to quite so powerful but it was self-defense. I wasn't about to let them kill me."

"You know, Anders," Nathaniel said delicately, knowing that this was a topic Anders tended to react strongly about. "I know that you feel that Rolan was put in the Wardens by the Chantry to watch you but regardless of whether that's true or not, don't you see that this was exactly the sort of thing that they were afraid would happen? You getting possessed?"

"That…" Anders trailed off. "Okay, while that might be _technically _true, it's not that simple. If they hadn't sent Rolan after me it probably never would have happened."

"You know that no one else is ever going to see it that way, right?" Nathaniel asked rhetorically.

Anders rolled his eyes. "I know. And I'm not possessed."

"Are you sure? Because making a deal with a spirit and then letting it inside you after which you promptly lose control and _eat_ someone sure sounds like a possession to me. And I've heard that sometimes your eyes glow blue. While that's not as definitive as if they were glowing _red_, I still think we can safely say that you really seem possessed," Nathaniel countered.

"It…" Anders ran a hand through his hair absently. That was another thing that had changed. Gone were the ponytail, Tevinter robes, and gold earring and in its place was some sort of feathered contraption and shorter hair worn mostly down. Even his voice was different. "It was Justice."

"You getting possessed was justice?" Nathaniel didn't get it. "How do you figure that one? Or are you talking about what you did to Rolan?"

"While I can't say that that bastard didn't fully deserve it, that wasn't what I meant. The spirit that merged with me. It's Justice," Anders said again.

Nathaniel's eyes widened. "You mean…"

Anders nodded. "Our old friend Justice. You knew that Kristoff's body couldn't last forever. He kept visiting Aura until she couldn't bear to see the decay anymore, after which he just released Kristoff's body so she could burn it. But he still needed someplace to go as he was trapped outside of the Fade and he was a friend. I'd also been thinking more about Justice's words on the plight of the mages and knew that together we could do a lot more good than I could do alone. What could I have done?"

Nathaniel was silent a moment, taking it all in. Finally he said, "How about…_not_ becoming an abomination? Because that is usually if not always the best course of action when being asked to choose between becoming an abomination and not doing so."

Anders just shook his head. "That's not what you said earlier."

Nathaniel blinked, honestly confused. "What I said earlier? What are you-"

"Tell me if any of this rings a bell," Anders instructed, bring his hands up to act as puppets. " 'Will you ever need to switch bodies, Justice?' 'I did not even wish to possess this one. Why would I switch to another?' 'You might need to. Unless you wish to look even more obviously like a corpse.' 'I...would prefer not to think of it.' Or: 'This... thing you spoke of. Switching bodies.' 'Not a favorite topic of yours, I take it?' 'Would such a thing be permitted? Would it not be considered... abominable?' 'If they're dead, it's not as if they need the body, Justice.' 'But I can still feel the man who once lived. I know his body, his... It is not just a body.' 'That's...good, isn't it? I'd rather you felt that way.' 'Perhaps you are right.' And here's my favorite: 'What if you found a living body to possess?' 'Even if I knew how, I would not possess the living. Such is an act for demons.' 'What if the person were willing?' 'Why would a mortal ever allow such a thing?' 'For life. For love. Perhaps together, you can do what they cannot do alone. If you gave instead of taking, I would consider you no demon.' 'It is...something to consider. Thank you, Nathaniel.' You really gave us the idea, you see."

Nathaniel felt cold as the recollection of those conversations came back to him. He hadn't really meant anything by them, they were just idle conversations he started when he was sick of Justice insisting he had to pay for breaking into his own family's home to take back his own family's possessions…which Angélique had been more than happy to allow. "I also believe that I said that if he gave instead of taking. You can't say that what happened with Rolan, however deserved you think it was, wasn't the act of a demon."

"No," Anders admitted, deflating. "My anger and hatred warped Justice. He's no longer the being that you remember and that I befriended."

"I didn't know you had that much hatred inside of you," Nathaniel replied. He'd always suspected the mage's mask of cheerfulness and irreverence was just that, a mask. Still, he hadn't expected the extent that it apparently went to.

"Neither did I," Anders admitted. "And now who knows if he'll ever be the same again? Even when I die, he might not go back, you know."

"Maybe it wasn't your fault," Nathaniel suggested gently. "Well…you were the one who agreed to let him inside of you but maybe it wasn't that you have too much anger. Maybe spirits just aren't meant to be inside of living bodies. I mean, we saw just how strongly Justice reacted to Kristoff and those were just fixed memories, not living reactions."

"You could be right," Anders told him. "But that wouldn't make it any better."

"I hope this doesn't come back to haunt you too badly, my friend," Nathaniel told him sincerely. "And for what it's worth, I won't tell the others where you are."

"Thank you," Anders said with a slight smile. "Though at this point, my path is set."

Nathaniel felt a strange ominous sensation when Anders said that but he shook it off and forced a smile. "So…seeing as how we may never run into each other again, how about you finally tell me your _real_ name?"

Anders actually laughed at that. "Oh, right. Like I'm really going to make it that easy."

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